The Pleasure Paradox: why more stimulation leads to less joy — and what you can do about it

Read time: 6 minutes

Picture this: You're full from dinner, yet you reach for dessert—because why not?

Or you want to wake up early tomorrow, but you stay up for just one more episode of that show everyone's talking about.

Our friends chip in too, nudging us along with "Life's short, live a little!"

Sure, it sounds tempting, but could these little indulgences be secretly stressing us out?

Let me take you back to 2012 when I attended a philosophy class where I learned about Hedonism.

Hedonism is the belief that the ultimate goal in life is to maximise pleasure and minimise pain.

It focuses on seeking immediate and sensory pleasures while avoiding discomfort.

When I heard that, I thought, 'Yes, that makes sense, that's me, I'm a hedonist.'

And when you look at that definition, most people would think: “yeah sure, more pleasure, less pain, sounds great”.

But here's the twist: it's not all that great.

The problem with maximising pleasure is threefold.

1. It’s temporary. You experience a little high, and once it’s gone, you’re looking for the next hit.
2. It assumes that the source of pleasure is irrelevant: drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, anything goes.
3. Our biology is so designed that, after experiencing pleasure, we ALWAYS experience pain—we cannot avoid it.

Anna Lembke, a psychiatrist and addiction researcher from Stanford, puts it this way: our brains try to keep pleasure and pain balanced—like a seesaw.

One side of the seesaw represents pleasure, the other pain.

Our brains work hard to keep this seesaw level, a state known as homeostasis.

When pleasure spikes, such as enjoying ice cream or binge-watching a series, our brain rewards us with a dopamine surge, which is like pushing down on the pleasure side of the seesaw.

But the brain doesn't like it when this side is down for too long.

If we keep pushing down on pleasure — perhaps by overdoing it with treats, games, or screen time — our brain starts pushing back on the pain side.

Over time, if we keep seeking too much pleasure, the brain pushes harder on the pain side.

It's trying to balance the seesaw, but now we start to feel down or stressed because that pain side is getting a bit too much push.

Dr. Lembke explains that overstimulation of pleasure leads to a dopamine deficit, leaving us anxious, irritable, and sleep-deprived.

She observed this in individuals who seemingly have it all—wealth, possessions, fulfilling careers—yet feel miserably unhappy.

Why? Lembke says we’re overloaded with pleasure. Our brains can't keep up, and before you know it, we're in a loop of want more, get less.

Lembke suggests that our urge to want more is being manipulated by the "Big Four": quantity, access, potency, and novelty.

What was once scarce is now abundant, stronger, readily accessible, and constantly updated.

1. Quantity: We're living in a world of more. More food, more entertainment, more information, all the time. The idea of 'enough' seems to have taken a back seat, and 'more' has taken the wheel. The result? We're constantly full — plates, schedules, minds — yet sometimes, paradoxically, we feel empty.
2. Access: With smartphones in our hands, the world is at our fingertips. Immediate gratification isn't just an option; it's become the norm. We don't just desire instant responses and services; we expect them. But with this constant access, the lines between need and want become blurry, leading to a society that rarely pauses to breathe.
3. Potency: In today's world, every gadget or screen is turbo-charged to grab our attention and cling to it. Imagine walking through life with a personal billboard that not only knows your name but your likes, dislikes, and what makes you tick. Our senses, once receptive to life's simple things, now barely register anything that isn't flashing, beeping, or popping.
4. Novelty: Newer, faster, better. We're inundated with the latest versions of, well, everything. It keeps life seemingly exciting but also keeps us on a treadmill of desire, always running after the next update or upgrade.

These "Big Four" create a world full of stimulating things but often leave us feeling unfulfilled, pushing us to always crave more instead of enjoying what's already ours.

So, what's the antidote?

Dr Lembke recommends a ‘dopamine fast’, cutting out the excess for 4 weeks.

If you're tuned into self-improvement, you might’ve heard of something similar called ‘monk mode’.

Monk mode is about dialling back the noise to focus on what’s important.

It means taking a break from:

• Social media — Take a step away from the like-chase.
• The news — Distance yourself from the relentless negativity.
• Netflix — Hit pause on the series marathon.
• Video games — Log off from alternate realities.
• Shallow socialising — Forego the chitchat about the latest game or celebrity scandal.
• Dating apps — Stop the swiping frenzy.

But monk mode isn't just about cutting out the digital clutter; it often goes hand-in-hand with a wholesome lifestyle, featuring:

• No junk food
• No alcohol
• No smoking
• No drugs
• No porn
• Regular exercise
• Regular sleeping patterns

But beware.

This whole idea of dopamine fasting, switching to monk mode, or going on a digital detox is often merely a temporary fix.

Usually, once the break is over, we’re right back to our old ways.

Don’t get me wrong—I'm all for these little breaks and challenges, but what we really need is to weave these good habits into our daily lives, for good.

Most people are not cut out for "just a little" of something.

Sometimes, it's best to call it quits on a habit altogether.

So, here’s the challenge:

1. Take a 4-week break from all the above.
2. During the 4 weeks, reflect on it—how do you feel? Document it.
3. Then, after the break, consider what you can choose to cut out completely. No smoking? No drinking? No porn? What will you cut out entirely, without exception? Consider what you might miss versus the gains in your life.

Dive into this four-week journey, and see what unfolds. What do you really need to be your best self? You might realise that it’s less about what we add to our lives and more about what we let go of.

Send me your stories – I’m eager to hear about the space you create and the joys you uncover.

Here’s to making a difference,

Dr Yannick